We'd all be on horseback

Sometimes I wish for brilliance. Sometimes I want to be so ruthlessly intelligent I could cut people down with a single word. I want people to be afraid of me. I want to be a hard and sharp and cold as a diamond. I want Emma Thompson to play me in a movie.

Here's who would really play me: Rosie O'Donnell.

One thing I really like is when I'm passing someone I know, and instead of saying "Hi," or "Hey," or "What's up?" we just nod to each other. Not the kind of nod where you smile and nod completely. I'm talking about the kind of nod where you just lift your chin up and are both too cool to smile or say anything. It's my favorite thing to have happen.

I think I'm the least edgy person in my playwriting class. Everyone else is writing this really artsy stuff or gritty stuff or meaningful stuff, and I'm not, actually. I mean, I think it's meaningful. Sometimes. But it's just stuff about people meeting other people and falling in love over and over again before they realize that falling in love isn't a real thing. And then they realize that love is actually better than falling into it. And I don't know anything about anything, so maybe that's just a load of bull that I'm writing. Do I believe in love at first sight, or do I just believe in hormones? Does anyone believe in love at first sight anymore? I believe in a lot of things that are weirder than that. I don't believe in that, though. I don't really believe in destiny, either, but I find myself thinking that things are destined. Does that make me a hypocrite? Or does it just make me human?

Here's the reason I'm not edgy: I don't ever swear. I really don't. I have a foul mouth in my mind, but I don't say it. One time I called my brother a dick, and one time I said I was being a bitch, but that's it. When I try to write characters who are realistic and swear, they just sound silly. They sound like they're trying too hard. That's because they are. That's because I am. Other people can write things where people have no problem cussing, and it's natural and realistic. And edgy. Not I. I want so badly for a character to tell someone to fuck off, but it's not going to happen. I know why it's not going to happen.

A) I can only ever seem to be alternative and awesome, when really I'm vanilla. I might be a poser. I like things that are different and weird, but I myself am neither of those things.

B) I can't shake the feeling that swearing is not the right thing for me to do. I don't care if other people do, but I can't. I can't can't can't justify it for myself. I like beautiful things, and swearing isn't beautiful. It's raw and emotional and honest and real, but it's not beautiful. It's something I can respect, but I'm not enough of any of those things to write and/or do it. It doesn't make sense for me to feel like that, because when other people swear, I get this weird kind of admiration for them. When people create art with vulgarity, I like it. I mean, I don't like all of it just because there's swearing, but if it's good, I like it.

Lately I feel trapped in my head. I wish I could just shrug out of my skin and take a vacation. I'd float around the ocean for a while and not think about anything anymore. I'd come back when everyone had forgotten about me and I could make myself something new.

I think life is a process of becoming something you aren't yet. Smarter. Stronger. Kinder. Maybe that's good. I think that's good. But if that's true, does that mean that contentedness is stagnation? I don't want it to be. Do I only think progress is good because that's society? Isn't trying to get closer to God trying to progress? I'm going to be honest: I don't feel like I'm close to God right now. I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing. I pray, but I feel like my prayers just jostle loose my insecurities, which bounce and echo in my head, and sometimes I think they're God talking, and sometimes I know it's just my own voice coming back to me.

Are all the things I feel are right really wrong? Are all the people I think are hurting people really helping them? Last year I found out that I knew a lot of stuff I didn't think I knew. This year I'm finding out that I didn't really know a lot of it.

Is this just another time for me to grow? I remember when I was 8 or 10 I went to the doctor because my knees hurt and I was tired all the time. Turns out I was just getting taller and older. Growing pains. I thought I had a disease. Maybe that's what's happening now. Maybe I don't have a spiritual disease, maybe I just need to get taller again.

I played some records today. Artifacts are just as good as time travel. I pretend I'm living in the 60s, only computers were around back then and also Snow Patrol, because I've been listening to them more lately too.

Here's another thing I love: coming into my room and seeing Laura crashed on my couch. I love when people are comfortable around me and just act like themselves. And when I come into my room and see that Laura is fine with chilling there even when she's alone, I feel like a real person.

And that's why I'm never going to be hard as diamonds.