"I just want you to be happy," he said, rubbing my back gently. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." He looked at me intensely, and I looked away. He didn't stop. "I love you."
Yes, that was the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me.
No, it wasn't real.
Last night I went to an interactive mystery thing, and my character, Gabby Backer, was dating Larry Linebacker. We went to homecoming together before my brother was killed by Cindy Sensational, who wanted her boyfriend, Kevin Kicker, to get the scholarship my twin brother Bobby was about to receive. It was a really fun time: I got into a huge fight with Sally Spirit and Dr. Chambers had to break us up, and then Peter Prez tried to crown himself homecoming king since the actual winner (Bobby) was dead and couldn't fulfill his duties, and Laura and I were two out of the four people who correctly deduced that Cindy Sensational was the murderer, which resulted in our "Smoking Gun" awards.
Still, Larry Linebacker's confession of love was a little unnerving. Not because he was being creepy or uncomfortable. We were both acting out our parts and being silly like everyone else. It just made me think about my own horribly uneventful love life.
After the event, Laura and I started talking about how she and her boyfriend ended up dating and about how my mom thought my dad was going to kill her when he proposed (Spoiler alert: He didn't), and about how Sarah is engaged and all that kind of stuff, and it threw into sharp relief the fact that I have never had a boyfriend in my entire 19 years of existence. To make matters worse, I've never even been pursued. (Okay, one time I was at a square dance and this creepy kid followed me around for a couple hours and ate my pretzels, but I was like 13 at the time and it was a fluke.) And to be honest I'm not THAT upset about it. I don't want a boyfriend just for the sake of having a boyfriend. There are so many great things about being single, really. I don't have to worry about missing anniversaries or spending enough time with my boyfriend, or worry that he's cheating on me, or keep myself from talking about celebrity crushes (although I usually end up going for writers, who aren't that intimidating anyway) or any other things that people who are dating have to worry about. And I heave a sigh of relief.
But there are sucky things about being single, too. Every once in a while I start wondering if I'm ever going to have a partner. I can't help but notice that more and more of my friends are engaged, and that leaves me on the outside looking in, worried about seeming awkward when someone's fiance or boyfriend shows up, completely eclipsing my presence with his charming smile and his cologne.
"What's wrong with me?" I wonder, watching girls my age as they casually touch their engagement rings and smile a little.
I think that's really the part that bothers me. Is there some aspect of my personality that drives people away? Am I a repulsive person? It's the not knowing that's upsetting.
I'm too afraid to let anyone know that there's some little part of me that wants the kind of relationship where people say silly things to each other and fall completely in love. It's like when I'm sitting alone in the cafeteria but I don't want people to know that I'm not sitting alone by choice, so I give my best impersonation of a person who just wants to sit alone for a little bit and doesn't need anyone else in her life. Because obviously letting it be known that there's a romantic part of me is completely pathetic, because who does that? Even writing on my blog about this is uncomfortable. It's too much to reveal. It's weird to confess that I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up a batty old maid living a shoddy apartment in New York writing plays for my cats and keeping a blog about how our civilization has really started going downhill ever since earthquakes shook the midwest into molten lava and California slid into the sea back in 2012 (gosh darned mayans!). For someone who claims to hate romance, I'm sure hung up on the concept.
There are a lot of people in my life who love me. And those relationships aren't inferior to a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Those relationships are loving and stable and I appreciate my friends and family so much. And more importantly than that, I have a God who will love me even if everyone else in my life doesn't. That's not something I take lightly, and it's not something I'd trade for anything else.
I just wish I could shake this feeling that there's something wrong with me. Or that I could figure out what that something is.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I can totally relate, Taylor. I have never even so much as went out on a date in my life. Girls have never shown me any interest. In fact, just within the past week, a girl that I thought might be interested in me just came out and (quite rudely, I might add) told me that she wasn't. Epic fail. So I feel pretty hopeless in that regard. It's a terrible feeling.
ReplyDeleteBut yeah, I can definitely relate. A lot of times, I feel like there is something wrong with me, too, because it's like you're expected to have a girlfriend/boyfriend at this point in your life. I question myself a lot and I think that I'm not good enough. And it's a scary feeling suspecting that you might never have a partner, to borrow your words. But I guess you just gotta press on until you meet that person and be secure in yourself and what you have rather than what you don't have. However, I feel dishonest in giving advice like that, because I'm in the same boat as you. But just know that, until you meet someone, you're not the only one out there who feels alone. Which, I don't know if that's comforting at all, but it is good to know that you're not alone. :-)
Jolly. You give me hope for my future. Because you're incredible (regardless of what you tend to think sometimes) and people love you. AND you're not always like IHAVENOBOYFRIENDSADNESS, which is... refreshing.
ReplyDeleteEveryone gets lonely sometimes, I think. Just keep being you.