Consider the lilies

I worry a lot.
My worries might be the reason I'm an insomniac. If I try to go to bed at a normal time, I lay there and worry about all the things I haven't done, or the things I shouldn't have done, or the things that might happen to me, or the things that I want to happen that might never happen, and I wonder how I can make everything turn out all right for me.
So usually I just don't go to bed.
Although the nice thing about LA is that between filming and classes and internship, I'm usually completely exhausted by the time I get home and fall asleep pretty easily.
Anyway. This post isn't about my sleeping habits. This post is about worrying. The most worrying thing that happens to me consistently is waiting on the bus. Waiting for the bus to come is such an issue of trust. I have to trust that the bus is actually going to come, which I never completely do. The entire time I'm waiting, I'm thinking, "What if the bus just isn't running today? What if there's a detour and I don't know about it? What if the bus stopped running and I got here too late? Who can I call to pick me up? When should I call them? What if I call someone and then right before they get here the bus comes?" I never trust the bus. So this week I was waiting for the bus, and it was a half an hour late. I was supposed to be at an event at a certain time and because the bus was running late, I was going to be late. So I worried. My jaw and stomach hurt from how tightly I was clenching my muscles. Then, out of the blue, a thought struck me.

"Taylor," the thought said, "worrying about this bus isn't going to make it come any faster."

When people tell me not to worry, that's what they say. And usually I think, "Okay, but if I worry about getting a job then at least I'll be motivated to prepare for it, and so actually my worry is good." Maybe that's true to a certain extent. But...mostly it doesn't do anything. I was hurting myself, and I was doing it for no reason, which is what I'm doing when I worry about my future, and when I worry about maybe being a crazy cat lady who dies alone and then no one finds me for weeks and by then the cats have eaten my face (which is why I'm never going to have cats). Yeah, maybe that will happen and maybe it won't. But regardless of my worrying, the future is coming at me like a bus, and it's going to come when it wants to.

I don't believe that thought was my own. I'm not really detached enough from myself to be able to think that clearly about my worries. I'm skittish about saying that God is trying to teach me something, not because I don't think God teaches, but because I don't know what language to use that won't sound corny. I don't know how to talk about God reaching into my life and dropping a thought like that in my head.

Of course, as soon as I wasn't on the bus anymore, I forgot all about my little revelation. Yesterday I was worrying about food.  I'm running low on cash but hate asking my family to send me money, but I figured that if I skipped lunch today I'll have bus fare for Friday and I have enough food for the weekend. If I were a preacher or someone trying to teach you something I would say this was a spiritual decision, that I was leaving the house confident in the knowledge that God would provide lunch for me. I will not say that, because it isn't remotely true. I was dreading going to work and trying not to let anyone notice that I wasn't taking a lunch break. I was also dreading not eating lunch. So I was working away when my supervisor came in to ask me to do something and casually said, "And after that you can go to lunch." I nodded, thinking I would maybe just go for a walk for 15 minutes or so and then come back. About five minutes later, one of the women at the internship announced she was buying lunch for everyone, and asked us to write our sandwich orders down.

Oh, hey, God. Didn't see you there.

I don't really like the idea of life verses or whatever. They seem like a corny Christian thing to do sometimes. Nothing against you if you have one. I just...I don't know. So I'm not going to say that I have a life verse. I am going to say that there is a verse that comes up in my life a lot. (Oh, man. Now I'm going to quote this long passage of scripture that everyone's going to skip over. Maybe don't do that. I know it's a pain, but maybe read it. Because I'm only going to do this once.)


 "Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?
Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
"So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
"Therefore do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?' or "What shall we drink?' or "What shall we wear?' For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

At a previous time in my life when I was filled with worry, a guest pastor came to my church and spoke on this verse. He was Hispanic and spoke with a strong accent. He looked into the crowd and said, "Are you not more worth than birds?" It was what I needed. God got me through that. Then a couple of years went by, and here I am again, worrying. So guess what verse the guest speaker I was worrying about being late for quoted when he spoke. He told us not to worry about how we would provide for ourselves in LA, and not to worry about our career paths, that we should instead "consider the lilies of the field."

Did I mention this guy is a television writer for two of my favorite shows? That I talked to him afterwards and he added me on facebook? That he told me to contact him when I come back and to ask any questions I have about writing for television? Did I mention that in the past week so many things have lined up for me in so many ways that are showing me that actually, yes, I do want to write for television, and yes, I can do that? Did I mention that I am more worth than birds?

So for tonight, I'm going to go to bed. I'm not going to worry about tomorrow. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.