Consider the lilies

I worry a lot.
My worries might be the reason I'm an insomniac. If I try to go to bed at a normal time, I lay there and worry about all the things I haven't done, or the things I shouldn't have done, or the things that might happen to me, or the things that I want to happen that might never happen, and I wonder how I can make everything turn out all right for me.
So usually I just don't go to bed.
Although the nice thing about LA is that between filming and classes and internship, I'm usually completely exhausted by the time I get home and fall asleep pretty easily.
Anyway. This post isn't about my sleeping habits. This post is about worrying. The most worrying thing that happens to me consistently is waiting on the bus. Waiting for the bus to come is such an issue of trust. I have to trust that the bus is actually going to come, which I never completely do. The entire time I'm waiting, I'm thinking, "What if the bus just isn't running today? What if there's a detour and I don't know about it? What if the bus stopped running and I got here too late? Who can I call to pick me up? When should I call them? What if I call someone and then right before they get here the bus comes?" I never trust the bus. So this week I was waiting for the bus, and it was a half an hour late. I was supposed to be at an event at a certain time and because the bus was running late, I was going to be late. So I worried. My jaw and stomach hurt from how tightly I was clenching my muscles. Then, out of the blue, a thought struck me.

"Taylor," the thought said, "worrying about this bus isn't going to make it come any faster."

When people tell me not to worry, that's what they say. And usually I think, "Okay, but if I worry about getting a job then at least I'll be motivated to prepare for it, and so actually my worry is good." Maybe that's true to a certain extent. But...mostly it doesn't do anything. I was hurting myself, and I was doing it for no reason, which is what I'm doing when I worry about my future, and when I worry about maybe being a crazy cat lady who dies alone and then no one finds me for weeks and by then the cats have eaten my face (which is why I'm never going to have cats). Yeah, maybe that will happen and maybe it won't. But regardless of my worrying, the future is coming at me like a bus, and it's going to come when it wants to.

I don't believe that thought was my own. I'm not really detached enough from myself to be able to think that clearly about my worries. I'm skittish about saying that God is trying to teach me something, not because I don't think God teaches, but because I don't know what language to use that won't sound corny. I don't know how to talk about God reaching into my life and dropping a thought like that in my head.

Of course, as soon as I wasn't on the bus anymore, I forgot all about my little revelation. Yesterday I was worrying about food.  I'm running low on cash but hate asking my family to send me money, but I figured that if I skipped lunch today I'll have bus fare for Friday and I have enough food for the weekend. If I were a preacher or someone trying to teach you something I would say this was a spiritual decision, that I was leaving the house confident in the knowledge that God would provide lunch for me. I will not say that, because it isn't remotely true. I was dreading going to work and trying not to let anyone notice that I wasn't taking a lunch break. I was also dreading not eating lunch. So I was working away when my supervisor came in to ask me to do something and casually said, "And after that you can go to lunch." I nodded, thinking I would maybe just go for a walk for 15 minutes or so and then come back. About five minutes later, one of the women at the internship announced she was buying lunch for everyone, and asked us to write our sandwich orders down.

Oh, hey, God. Didn't see you there.

I don't really like the idea of life verses or whatever. They seem like a corny Christian thing to do sometimes. Nothing against you if you have one. I just...I don't know. So I'm not going to say that I have a life verse. I am going to say that there is a verse that comes up in my life a lot. (Oh, man. Now I'm going to quote this long passage of scripture that everyone's going to skip over. Maybe don't do that. I know it's a pain, but maybe read it. Because I'm only going to do this once.)


 "Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?
Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
"So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
"Therefore do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?' or "What shall we drink?' or "What shall we wear?' For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

At a previous time in my life when I was filled with worry, a guest pastor came to my church and spoke on this verse. He was Hispanic and spoke with a strong accent. He looked into the crowd and said, "Are you not more worth than birds?" It was what I needed. God got me through that. Then a couple of years went by, and here I am again, worrying. So guess what verse the guest speaker I was worrying about being late for quoted when he spoke. He told us not to worry about how we would provide for ourselves in LA, and not to worry about our career paths, that we should instead "consider the lilies of the field."

Did I mention this guy is a television writer for two of my favorite shows? That I talked to him afterwards and he added me on facebook? That he told me to contact him when I come back and to ask any questions I have about writing for television? Did I mention that in the past week so many things have lined up for me in so many ways that are showing me that actually, yes, I do want to write for television, and yes, I can do that? Did I mention that I am more worth than birds?

So for tonight, I'm going to go to bed. I'm not going to worry about tomorrow. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Some lessons.

   I've only been in LA for three weeks, but I'm already learning a lot. Partially I'm learning about the things I came here with the intention to learn about. Film things. Production things. This post isn't about those things.
   To be overly honest (which is, in the realm of the internet, my modus operandi), half of what I'm learning is empowering and making me feel pretty good about myself and who I am. The other half is showing me that I have a long way to go in this spiral of improvement that is a human life.
   For one thing, I tend to think of myself as someone who doesn't know as much as others, and isn't as qualified to talk as others. This has been beneficial in some ways, because I think it's helped me to become a pretty decent listener, as well as given me a mind open to edification by others. However, since being in LA, a place where I thought people would figure out what I fraud I am for being a film student, I've realized that actually, I do know what I'm talking about some of the time, and actually my thoughts and opinions do matter, and actually I'm pretty good at conversing with others about them. Imagine that. Maybe I'm not a fraud after all.
   On the other hand, I've been struggling with God a lot lately. And by lately I don't mean just since being in LA. By lately I mean pretty much all summer...and also in LA. People's faith and sense of closeness with God ebbs and flows, I've been told. My faith ebbs not, but my closeness is probably better described as distance at this point.
   I had a really good conversation with another student here tonight, which eerily echoed not only some internal battles of my own, but another ongoing conversation I've been having with Erin C. Both told me that maybe I should pray about my God-issues. I told Erin I would try (and she said I had to DO and not try, obviously) but...I keep stopping myself from praying. How am I supposed to pray when I consistently do things that I know God doesn't want me to do? How am I supposed to ask for forgiveness when I know I'm going to keep doing those things? My prayer, at this point, will most likely not be, "God, I'm sorry and I won't do it again," but instead, "God, I'm sorry that I will do this again." I don't ask people for advice that I know I'm not going to take. I don't want to talk to God when I know that I'm not doing what He wants me to do. It seems like I should get myself all righteous again before I talk to Him. (Impossible, for sure. Still, I'd at least like to be more like who I was last year than this year. I've never been this much of a mess before. I didn't know that it felt like this.)
   Then again, if everybody is telling me I should start praying, maybe I should do that. So you'll have to excuse me.