I don't like losing people.
Who does?
The other day in one of my classes, my professor mentioned that losing touch with people is just a part of life.
That part of life freaking sucks.
I don't want to lose my high school friends. I don't want to lose my college friends. I want to keep everyone trapped in a little box with pins stuck through them and I want to pull them out when I'm lonely or want attention.
That is unfeasible. And cruel. And self-centered. However, it's what I want, deep down inside.
All these thoughts of letting go came from Fall Break. I went home. My brother wasn't there. He's in Pennsylvania, training for the 6 months he's going to spend in Africa. This break is the first time I've really been home for any substantial amount of time without him being there. I kept wandering into his room to talk to him, but he wasn't there.
Then I started thinking about how he's probably going to start living on his own soon. How, after he gets back from Africa, we don't really know what he's going to do. He doesn't really know. So, basically, I can't go home ever again. Slowly, we'll all leave. And I can't be a kid anymore. And I can't have a family anymore.
Freaking crap.
(I'll still have a family. We'll just all be living other places and some of us will have other families.)
Why do things have to change? I don't feel like I change that much. I guess I do, though. Probably some people feel like I've left them. I don't like leaving people, either.
As my professor said, it's an inevitable part of life.
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I'm not usually one to say, "I told you so," and this isn't really one of those times, either, because it's not really as much of an "I told you so" as a "See wha'happens?" This feeling that you had? When you were home and your brother wasn't? That's why I bawled my eyes out for a month when you went to college. I felt like I couldn't ever go home again, but then I'd think, "Oh, crap. I am home. I *have* to stay home. It's everyone else who will leave. Oh, crap."
ReplyDeleteI feel better about it now. It's a new phase of life. There are things I'm able to do now that there are fewer people here that I couldn't do before. I made a pan of enchiladas last night. One. Pan. And it was enough. That's totally insane. I can get in the car and go to the store without asking someone to watch my kids. That's insane. I can finish all the laundry in one day. That's totally and completely insane.
But I do really miss you guys. Still, I'm excited about the changes. I'm thrilled with the prospects. I'm totally at peace with your brother doing whatever he plans to do when he gets back from Africa. He really, really needed this and I think he feels more alive and free now than he's felt maybe ever. It's a Good Thing.
And it's also a Good Thing that you two love each other, that you have a brother you miss. It was one of the mother-goals I had that sometimes made me feel like I was going to make you all psychotic serial killers ("You homeschool your kids?!?") and make me a manic depressive shell of a mom ("I know. Crazy, isn't it?"). Posts like this one from you give me hope for the future with the future potential psychotic serial killers who still live here.
I'm so very thankful that you write. Don't stop, okay? I mean, you can stop if you want to. We can all *do* things. But just don't ever stop writing. Okay?
I hate losing friends, especially ones you were really close to. I miss my family a lot too when I'm here. I've always been pretty independent, but I miss talking with my mom, going fishing with my pop, and having crazy times with my bro. *Sigh* We (as in me, you, and Sarah) will NEVER lost track of each other though got it? NEVER
ReplyDeletefew people in life are permanent.
ReplyDeletebut i think life is very seasonal. and perhaps the best thing we can do is really enjoy and love the seasons we are in where we are in them without dwelling on the fact that they will end. people are parts of those seasons i think. sometimes they can transcend them, but not always. but maybe that isnt a good follow up to what you are saying, but it might be. so i said it :)