I don't like to have stereotypical titles that use the words "musings" or "rambling" because that's what people always do.

I really really really want something exciting to happen to me. I can't sleep anymore because I feel like I'm on the verge of something exciting happening, and if I go to sleep, I'll miss out. I check my email and facebook every couple of minutes because I think something is about to happen.

Nothing is happening.

When my hair is long I'm afraid I look like a cartoon hobo. When my hair is short I'm afraid I look like a lesbian. There is no right answer.

I don't know whether I've changed a lot or not at all since high school. Sometimes I think I'm a better person, and sometimes I think I'm a worse person. Sometimes I think I've been the same person since I was eight years old and pretended to faint whenever people did things that surprised or displeased me.

I don't remember the last time I dreamt. I think maybe the last dream I remember was a dream where I had started smoking and then felt bad about it because I always told myself that I wasn't ever going to smoke, but then in the dream I like smoking much too much to quit. Then Betsy and my mom told me that the dream probably meant that I'm blocking people off from me with a smoke screen of always being funny and I thought they were wrong at first but then I thought about it and was afraid they were right and now I think I'm afraid to remember my dreams because maybe they'll tell me more things I don't like about myself.

Today in directing we did an acting exercise. When I took Intro to Theatre and was in plays, I hated acting exercises and never committed to them. But now I commit to them and I like them because it's making me a better director. But they're the same exercises. Probably, though, I'm not ever going to act again because I think I'm too sensitive about myself. I usually am cast as older women or annoying people, and then for the whole production I keep telling myself "The reason why you got this part is because you're ugly and annoying." I'm much easier on myself as a writer and a director. It doesn't matter what writers and directors look like because no one ever knows who they are, anyway.

The more successful I am in college, the more I worry that I'm going to fail dramatically at real life.

I made cookies with Laura tonight. I'm very glad to have people in my life with whom I am completely comfortable. I am also glad that there is such a thing as chocolate chip cookies.

Sometimes I meet people and feel very upset if we don't become friends right away. But it always turns out that we become friends later when I'm not expecting it, and it's like finding an extra present under the Christmas tree after all the wrapping paper is cleaned up.