I've only been in LA for three weeks, but I'm already learning a lot. Partially I'm learning about the things I came here with the intention to learn about. Film things. Production things. This post isn't about those things.
To be overly honest (which is, in the realm of the internet, my modus operandi), half of what I'm learning is empowering and making me feel pretty good about myself and who I am. The other half is showing me that I have a long way to go in this spiral of improvement that is a human life.
For one thing, I tend to think of myself as someone who doesn't know as much as others, and isn't as qualified to talk as others. This has been beneficial in some ways, because I think it's helped me to become a pretty decent listener, as well as given me a mind open to edification by others. However, since being in LA, a place where I thought people would figure out what I fraud I am for being a film student, I've realized that actually, I do know what I'm talking about some of the time, and actually my thoughts and opinions do matter, and actually I'm pretty good at conversing with others about them. Imagine that. Maybe I'm not a fraud after all.
On the other hand, I've been struggling with God a lot lately. And by lately I don't mean just since being in LA. By lately I mean pretty much all summer...and also in LA. People's faith and sense of closeness with God ebbs and flows, I've been told. My faith ebbs not, but my closeness is probably better described as distance at this point.
I had a really good conversation with another student here tonight, which eerily echoed not only some internal battles of my own, but another ongoing conversation I've been having with Erin C. Both told me that maybe I should pray about my God-issues. I told Erin I would try (and she said I had to DO and not try, obviously) but...I keep stopping myself from praying. How am I supposed to pray when I consistently do things that I know God doesn't want me to do? How am I supposed to ask for forgiveness when I know I'm going to keep doing those things? My prayer, at this point, will most likely not be, "God, I'm sorry and I won't do it again," but instead, "God, I'm sorry that I will do this again." I don't ask people for advice that I know I'm not going to take. I don't want to talk to God when I know that I'm not doing what He wants me to do. It seems like I should get myself all righteous again before I talk to Him. (Impossible, for sure. Still, I'd at least like to be more like who I was last year than this year. I've never been this much of a mess before. I didn't know that it felt like this.)
Then again, if everybody is telling me I should start praying, maybe I should do that. So you'll have to excuse me.
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Taylor,
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, distance isn't necessarily a negative thing. Distance gives perspective and a different view which is important in nearly every thing we do.
As for your knowledge and talking to people, I enjoy discussions with you. You're by far, one of the brightest young people I know. You present well-thought out, articulate arguments and wonderful insights. Keep challenging yourself and finding people who make you ponder things deeply. You're on the right path, dear one.
The thing I appreciate most about your writing is that it's insightful and honest. Of course, you are that way in person too. So I appreciate that about you as whole.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this because I can relate in a big way about prayer. But what I've come to find is that prayer doesn't change our wants and desires until we've kept a habit of it. It doesn't change your circumstances, but if you keep to it, you will notice a change in yourself. The time when you're feeling that you can't pray because you have to "get it right" first is the most crucial time to pray. It's the time your tempted most to grow further apart from God.
Anyway, enough preaching about that. I love you and miss you. I'm glad you're processing this time of growth in your life and writing and learning and loving.